A letter not meant to be read

This goes out to the person who makes my life seem beautiful, even from the middle of shit, where we are stuck right now, I write this today, here coz I know you wont read it…and we’re too close for me too say these soppy things to you without turning crimson with embarrassment. Yet I know that no matter how obvious things are, or how shy you feel saying something you feel, you should say it…for unsaid words are the most painful regrets in life.

I don’t take people for granted, no one. Life has taught me the hard way that it takes a second for someone who is indispensable in your life to vaporize into nothingness and be gone forever. So I must say these things…for I don’t want to live wondering whether you really know.

Life has been tough this last year…at times tougher then I ever expected it to be. The ground beneath my feet was pulled away and I saw how flimsy the ground we walk on really is. We have seen times that no one should and we have lived in ways that no one should. Everything that can go wrong has and the world seems to be conspiring against you and me. And yet I’m happier today than I have ever been. I’m complete in a way that I’ve never been and the flimsy, unpredictable ground under the feet has been replaced by a platform so stable and solid that I can spin carelessly with my eyes closed and not be scared to fall coz I know you’ll hold me.

All those who went away…didn’t deserve us. All those who hurt us have helped us in ways they’ll never realize and all the bad times have brought us together in a way that fun and good times never can. Baby those who can never be happy for us having found each other are better as far away as possible from our little dream world, for the flowers in this world are trampled under the weight of ill feelings. We’ve been through all that and we know we were just meant to be.

I pity all those who’ll never know you…as I know you. I thank lord coz I know how close I was to not see you for what you really are. How blind I was to not see for all those years, what I see in you today. And how blind others still are for not seeing through that shell, and how lucky I am that you gave me the privilege to see through.

You are my dad-child. You are the father figure I think I was always looking for. You make me feel protected and safe. I get lost in that hug and become a little spoiled girl around you, craving for your constant attention. You take all my tantrums and fulfill all my whims. Yet, you are also my little baby that always needs me to calm him down. I have to take YOUR tantrums and your whims…and trust me I love itJ.I love cooking for you and hearing you fuss about what I cooked and even though I complain…I love doing it for you. I love comforting you and telling you everything will be okay and of course you’re my little baby who needs constant attention. I wonder how u can slip in and out of both those roles so easily and smoothly.

You are also my best friend. I think I didn’t even know what that term really meant till now. You are the one I want to spend every free minute I have. I love talking to you, discussing anything and everything and at times just sitting quietly side by side for hours without talking and not having the pressure to make any conversation. I love coming sulking to you about how bad my day went or how horrible the world is and how the day suddenly becomes one of the most beautiful of my life coz u spend the rest of it just hugging me and cuddling.

I love how you understand everything I want to say before I say it. I love how u can see one expression on my face and know every thought that’s going thru my head and every feeling I feel. I love it that I don’t have to say anything..you can just walk into a room and know I'm in a bad mood and come and give me a huge hug and make it better.

I love how I have some one to come home to and home for someone to come home to everyday. I love opening the door and seeing you there. Its amazing how my face still breaks into the biggest smile and how my heart still flutters at the sight of you. I love walking while holding your hand and how no one will mess with me then.

I can probably go on and on….but the point is…that I love how beautiful you have made my life by just being in it. And no amount of bullshit that life pitches at me will effect me too much coz you’re there with me and things cant be that bad when I have u to give me a huge bear hug and promise me that tomorrow will be much better.

Thank you my baby…for showing me that “love” is not a fiction or a fairy tale…and for making EVERYTHING better

When the wax masks melt...

One of the ugliest sights in the world is that when a person gets unmasked. Life just rips off the smile along with its face and you see that person for what they really are…the hideous face that remained covered for years under the plastic smile and marble eyes. The process of the unmasking is as disgusting as they come. First there is that familiar face...that soothing smile…those eyes that say “I understand”. Then suddenly one day cracks appear little, tiny almost undetectable and when you notice them for the first time you cant believe it and often blame your own eyes for playing tricks on you, then one day the evil inside starts seeping through the ever widening fissures. First as a tiny green trickle until the plastic gives way to the slimy flow and crumbles under its push. The rotten flesh and bones that have been gnawed away by the evil inside, give out a stench so overwhelming that you are knocked out cold. Then when you wake up, they are gone…gone with there rotten insides but the cracked plastic mask still remains on the floor near your foot…the kind smile has been distorted into the most evil grimace and you wonder for a minute if it was all a dream. But life is hardly ever that kind and you know it’s real. What follows is pain…lots and lots of it coz you realize that they took with them a part of your innocence, the rarest and most invaluable commodity in the world today. You will not be the same ever again. You feel totally violated. For you let a masked stranger into your soul for so long and they saw your innermost self, more naked than being unclothed, and worse you let them.

The past one year has made me see the unmasking of so many people that it hardly even shocks me anymore. Its like the past one year turned everything I knew on its head. I feel today as the past 22 years of my life were just a comatose dream, and everyone I knew never existed, ever.

My best friends, who swore to be there even in the darkest phases of life just vaporized into nothingness. I’ve heard of friends bailing on you in tough times, but my friends have done everything they could to make my life tough, when it was smooth and then bailed.
Unconditional friendship is a myth I’ll never believe in anymore. One of those Santa Claus type fantasy stories for gullible young people. The funny thing however is I’m okay. For I know today that my decisions were right and my choices were right. They bailed coz I was headed towards bliss and happiness, I walked anyway and I’m happy for I have found my soul mate and I know I’ll never need anyone ever again. So all those who walked off…to them I say thank you. You gave me the courage to follow my heart by your heartlessness. I might have problems...everyone does but I know I wont witness an unmasking again.

I’m writing all this today for I’m at the threshold of another new year of my life and it makes me think how different life was just 12 months ago…my last birthday and now this one that’s coming. I’m not even that girl anymore. She seems like a stranger, or maybe a distant acquaintance that remains bleary in my memories. In just one year I’ve become a woman.

Thank you once more, to all those who have hurt me and caused me pain. I would have never become what I am today if it weren’t for you. To all those I love I wish friends like I’ve had so you know what the world is really like and help you become a strong and solid man/woman.