Yesterday you broke my TV, and as I saw the shattered pieces of glass on the floor, it seemed to me that my heart lay shattered in those thick black glass pieces.
The funny thing however was, you had broken so much more, my dreams, my heart and worst of all my spirit. But somehow nothing had seemed as depressing as the broken TV, lying face down in a pool of black crystal blood.
But it was so much more than a TV, and you knew that didn’t you? That’s why you broke it. It wasn’t a moment of extreme rage, that made you did it, but part of a slow, meticulous, cold blooded murder, the perfect crime, for which you would never be pinned
But you know honey, plans back fire too, sometimes it blows up in your face. It turned out that breaking the TV was the best thing you did to me, for once it made me notice the silence in my life.
I used to enter our house and before I could take of my shoes I would switch the TV on and drown my loneliness in the canned laughter of American sitcoms. Friends, Seinfeld, my wife and kids…some American idol, Last comic standing and yeah the latest videos on VH1 to finally put me to sleep.
Will Ross get Rachel? Will Susan and mike end up together? Who will be eliminated today on Idol, Comic or the closer to home roadies. These were the questions that haunted my mind and made up for the lack of any activity in my own life. Ryan is a bad boy…but he loves Marissa, So it all made sense, you loved me too. And the crazy action in our own lives, was just part of screen play….every episode must have something exciting after all….and you were not abusing me…we were just a couple of aggressive, passionate young lovers…Or was that Ryan and Marissa?
Reality merged with TV shows, and I was living my life through Monica, Rachel, Marissa and yeah Susan. They were me, I was them. I remember…you broke the glass in our shelves with my hair straightener, threatened to kill me…and then went to office, and as I sat thinking how much I hate you….i heard Colby Caillat break into her happy -cheesy single “bubbly” …and suddenly, you were the sexy man in the video and u never hurt me…I was Colbie, and we were in love…and I was humming
It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go
And it made sense, what they all said. That It was not something small, I could die. I might as well become a 2 min news story about the growing crimes of passion in a forever news hungry 24 hr channel, kind of like the one I work in.
They told me, I was smarter than that, Asked me how was I still taking all this and putting up with so much shit? And I would decide every time, This is it man, I’m not an uneducated, helpless teenager blinded by bollywood ideas of “Me and you ..against the world”, and I would settle down infront of the TV, waiting for you to come back so I could treat you with some sarcasm that was slowly boiling in the venom at the pit of my heart….But suddenly Leona came on the TV, and I was transformed from a beaten, haggard, unkempt junky gal to a gorgeous mocha skinned, evening gowned gyrating Leona lewis, My pain and passion easily reflecting in her voice and song, and suddenly all the anger was gone, replaced by deep and utter longing…I was her…and only she knew how I felt….and I joined her in celebrating the melancholy and pain we had in our lives
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Ah the glamor of being so deeply in love….and being the center melancholic Shakespearian heroin in a tragedy about passionate, angry love. And I couldn’t sleep all night waiting for my hero to come home early morning so I could hug him and sleep in his embrace…forever in our “epic love story…”, which no one but sitcom characters and music video actors seemed to understand.
I can see it so clearly now, There is no noise to distract me from reality, No friendly chatter of the “friends” gang, building the illusion of a happy, friend filled life for me. Did I actually think I was sitting at central perk sipping coffee from a big white mug, while joey made a dumb but totally adorable comment, and all I wanted to do was pull his cheek……… the last time I had coffee with a group of good frenz, while engaged in fun, mindless banter, was at least 2 years ago. And I don’t understand how I didn’t see all this before….the answer is so simple…the TV!!!.
And now… lying on an empty bed, in an empty house….I soak in the emptiness, the loneliness and the silence that engulfs the flat and my life, echoes clearly, repeatedly inside my tattered heart. And I realize that it doesn’t matter whether Ross and Rachel get together or not, My life will not magically become perfect if Susan and mike marry each, coz you will always be an insensitive, uncaring and heartless brute, who doesn’t know the first thing about love. My life was screwed not coz Mike doesn’t realize that Susan is the perfect gal for him, but coz I didn’t realize that you were not.
So I know that when you smashed my precious TV, which I told you I couldn’t bear to get exchanged as it was a gift from my father, who passed away. And as you felt the satisfaction soak into your bones, thinking of the crushing pain it would cause to me, you didn’t know you were smashing the very walls of your own power castle, within which you kept me trapped. The walls have gone now, the illusions of television dissipated into thin air…and all that remains is me…wounded, broken…totally alone, but suddenly filled with superhuman conviction that I must must fly away, for there is nothing that stops me now.
So thank you honey, for the very last time for breaking my last material possession, and in doing so giving me the reality-check, and courage to soar away into the vast sky…..not the fake turquoise sky like on TV, but a very real, slightly grey-slightly dusty, but still very blue sky!
Posts
